Marriage & the Reality of It
So, today I was stunned by a couple separating not even a year into their marriage. For some weird reason it hurt me for them. I don’t judge the situation - I barely know it. BUT, I do know that there needs to be more talk about marriage & what happens after the wedding. I mostly speak out of personal experience, which may or may not be the norm and from lots of other couples I’ve talked with. I think society has led us to believe that once the wedding is over, you live together & it’s so incredible. Incredibly incredible. I won’t even delve into what I romanticized. Here’s the reality - it is HARD. It is not easy & it can really hurt.
- You have to give up pieces of yourself to find a common ground with the other person. This will lead to all kinds of crazy fights and constant arguments. Suddenly this person is your problem, and reality hits hard. You WILL most definitely go through painful adjustments. For me, I lived life very well & got into whatever I wanted to get into as a single person. I got married in August & wanted a divorce by that October. BUT, we both agreed that the word “divorce” would not even be said. I think had we even considered it & even still if we considered it, it would happen. BUT, we have really been educated on one another through the growing pains. We know how to argue & get somewhere now. One of us has to submit to the other - constantly. And that is not fun, ok.
- Love is completely different from romance. You fall in & out of romance - not love. Typically the initial feeling of romance lasts two years, and then you really get to know one another from a different perspective.
Haven’t you ever been around someone in pain? Maybe someone close to you experienced loss or had a surgery that left them very vulnerable - these things bring us closer together & tight. Laughing together is great, I’m all for it - but pain & time really prove a relationship. Marriage is no different. There is reward in getting past the ugly parts of life together - the ewey goey feelings of love are not always involved. You don’t fall out of love just because you aren’t feeling happy emotions about the other person. Love bears all things.
I’ve been married for 5 years, which does not make me a guru by any means. But I know it’s not what I thought it was going to be. It’s not horrible, but who prepares us for it being so hard?! It IS great. It IS rewarding. But would I like to run away with the Cabana boy? YES!! But I’m not going to. That would ruin everything we’ve been working so hard for - it is work. It’s not “magical”. It is not a “dream come true”. Sorry.. I’m being real here. The person & all that makes that person you think about every waking second now is really going to be the person that you wonder who they are in 1-2 years. All the differences that make you unique to one another now are going to go head to head in combat later. It’s just life & that’s just marriage. Begin your marriage on a strong foundation.
I have often told my couples - right now, before the wedding, write down all of the wonderful qualities you find in your soon to be spouse. Write them ALL down & why you want to marry that person. Take those sheets of paper & lock them up in a box. When you come to that point in your marriage where it gets ugly (and it will get ugly) and you wonder why you ever married him or her, open the box together. There is NO other person on earth that is going to make your marriage any easier - stay with the one you love. Of course there are exceptions - abuse & such. When we say For Better or For Worse, ignore your emotions (these are only temporary!) & work on what you have in action. I believe in weddings and marriage - there is JOY!!! I wouldn’t do what I do otherwise - I am constantly reminded of the promise I made 5 years ago. Weddings can fool you though… the height of happiness & the dreaming of the future. Marriage is not effortless and a happy marriage has hit all kinds of tall bumps.
I believe marriage is more than just me & him. When we don’t make sense, we have to have faith in the promises.
Comments
So now, I think I will just stay single.. thanks:-)
JK
I don’t know why but that made me tear up. I think those words are powerful and true, and I thank you for sharing them:-) I appreciate your attitude, it is a rare thing these days.
By becca on Feb 13, 2009
Great post April! Marriage is definitely more than the sum of a wedding and romance and butterflies. The relationship I have with my husband is the one I’ve had to work the hardest at, but it’s also the one with the most rewards. There is no comfort like knowing your number one supporter has your back for all time and vice versa. I couldn’t imagine walking through this life w/o him – even when things are beyond tough and ugly.
By aeriel on Feb 13, 2009
I love you. You are so articulate and wise! Thank you for posting this. You say what I want to tell people all the time…but prettier than I can say it. I am blessed to have not been through ugly, heart-wrenching times (yet…dated 6 years and married 6 months), but because of being knowledgeable and realistic—not idealistic—we are prepared if they come!
Love and respect, ladies and gentlemen. It opens all kinds of wonderful doors and bolts for good the one marked “divorce”.
By Bethany on Feb 13, 2009
This is why we feel like we can’t be real and honest, even on a blog, bc someone is going to put you down or try to take away from your personal experience. April, Thank You for being the kind of woman I love- someone who is real. I.Love.You.The.End.
By Ashley on Feb 14, 2009
Marriage is a wonderful gift but soooo much work. Thank God the work pays off and as the years go by—Love is more important that the ideas and dreams we may have had before marriage. I hope you and your honey are blessed with 50 plus years! Mary W.
By Mary Weatherington on Feb 14, 2009
Thanks for agreeing that marriage takes hard work! Staying together isn’t the easiest, but it IS the most rewarding. That was the whole point of this post. Marriage is the most rewarding relationship because it takes the most work.
By April Sirit on Feb 15, 2009
I love this post April! My favorite part is when you admit to wanting a divorce by October!
I was married in August as well (2007) and thought WHAT HAVE I DONE within the first month! I think some couples have a bit of an extended honeymoon for the first year… and others start getting “real” immediately. We were the latter! We don’t discuss divorce either and I feel like that helps tremendously. Marriage is hard but it is worth it! Thanks for posting about this!
By Alyse Woodward on Feb 17, 2009